If I close my eyes and inhale deeply I can almost pretend you are here
You smell of coffee and old books,
Promises made and kept,
A bouquet of hundred red roses
A hint of determination, a splash of power

colors the warm scent of compassion that surrounds you

You smell like rain, like pine, a mystical forest, and all my own.
Fresh sheets and pancakes cloak you in their enticing aromas
Dark fire and sensual vanilla lure me in.
You smell like an autumn evening
Like blue skies and mountains
Like my own personal heaven
Designed just for me.

Ceaseless, inside me I cry, never forgotten river of pain, flow through me, the river Styx.

Forgive, forgive, forget, forget, repeat, again, never ends, It never ends.

How do I hate love? When I so love to hate? How do you stop time? when time’s not playing your game?

Water run over, your eyes are already too full.

Hush Angelita, don’t you fret, Suena’s gonna teach you something you will Never forget…

When you go I won’t forget you, though I know I can’t protect you.

All those days I watched you crying, all those nights I bought his lying.

This is my Black Heart

    My one chance

    My last start

    My last dance

    To make it right

    to make you see

    nothing in life

    is what it seems

    hold tight

    don’t let go

    and all that pain

    never let it show

    I am you

    and you, I

    Angel wings

    that cannot fly

    we’ll face the world

    and watch it burn

    Mortals, that, shall never learn

    feel the rhythm

    hear the drum

    beat for a lover

    that shall never come.

    Fallen Angel

    hear my song

    soul of poison

    won’t be long

    Death knocks at the immortal door

    spirit guide to Nevermore

    this place we reside

    within the dark

    searing Fire

    as is our Mark

    here we lie

    as lovers do

    beneath the sky

    of midnight’s blue

    wait out the days

    we shall never see

    Belong to the Night

    now do We.

    At World’s End

    We again shall rise

    to unleash sweet Khaos

    Upon the skies

    Rulers of the Damned 

    We shall Ever Be.

    Bringers of End

    That are We. 

Babygirl, why do you cry? 
I hate to see you this way 
Wipe those tears, hunny, dry those eyes. 
I promise it will be ok. 
Life’s a hard road, and there’s a long way to go 
You gotta be strong to make it. 
So lift that chin up, and don’t let the pain show 
Be brave, I know you can take it. 
Angelita your beautiful, no matter what I say 
And when it hurts to breathe at night 
Call me and I’ll wish it all away 
And if you just can’t stop the tears 
When you feel that you’ve lost the fight 
Know that you’ve got me and I’ll be right here 
To cry with you, and hold you through the night. 
yo sere tu Suena mi Angelita 
I’ll always be around 
And when he leaves you hurt and broken 
I’ll pick your heart up off the ground 
This war is never-ending 
On this love-struck battlefield 
And neither side is worth defending 
When the price is finally revealed. 
And though we face each other 
With hatred in our eyes 
We can’t disguise what tells no lies 
There’s love within our hearts. 
So I’ll lower my defense 
And give you wings to fly 
Though it comes at my expense 
You’ll always be an angel in my eyes. 

8/11/09

All the meds in the world couldn’t save me from these nightmares.

Like a broken record stuck on repeat.

Sobs broken, like your body, broken, like our hearts, broken

The definition of Irony, Me and You

2 pm- Laughing

3 pm-His dead eyes

10pm- Texting

11pm- Goodnight =)

12pm- Missed a text, shhhhhh, go back to sleep.

It is a silent night; don’t wake me from my dream world, so peaceful.

Tick-tock, tick-tock, sweet oblivion to the horror that unfolds

6 am- ….Something is wrong

9 am- Phone Call…

I am falling….drowning…..unconsciously moving, stumbling, anywhere, everywhere.

Numb.

2 pm- I will find you…

First to come, last to go, first to fall, and last to know.

So beautiful in you fragility, rainbow and porcelain

Glass shimmering deceptively lovely, a deadly diamond adornment.

It’s funny, how things happen to us, when we least expect it.

Life throws curve balls

….well you’re one hell of a curve….

            As I step carefully out of the helicopter my view of city is already reduced to an arms-length before me; there is no seeing in the debris-choked maelstrom that swirls around me in the copters wake. Eyes watering, I gasp for air, the dust clotting my throat like cotton, I can barely catch a breath. I stumble to put on my oxygen mask, snapping it tightly in place and inhaling in a grateful sigh.  Surveying the scene I take in the ruin that used to be our nation’s capitol. The ground is rent open, gaping like some horrid wound. Cars buckle under one another, some teetering on the brink of the great chasms. Smoke billows from various places, small fires started when the earth began to tear itself apart. People huddle together crying or run frantically around, attempting to call for those lost in the tremors. I take this all in numbly, frozen in shock at the worst earthquake ever recorded in the past 100 years. My mind barely registers the ruin that lies before me. I turn a half corner and my eyes befall the most gruesome sight I have ever seen. Almost split in two a few steel beams strain to hold together the spine of the building in front of me. Half the building is no more than rubble, as if it was not a modern structure at all, but an ancient relic, beaten and worn for hundreds of years. The woody smell of burning paper fills my senses, even with me mask on, the stench of the death of millions of precious books fills my nostrils. Once a regal and proud monument to the people of America, the Library of Congress lies in waste. The earthquake tore through this sacred place of Knowledge as a violent wave of destruction and desolation. I weep bitterly at the loss of so many irreplaceable artifacts that were housed in this place. The skeleton of the library looming darkly over me, I walk resignedly into this silent mausoleum of burned pages and torn stories to see what, if anything can be salvaged in the massacre of our nation’s greatest resource.

(This is a journal entry I wrote last semester for my english class, it is a work of fiction, (obviously) but I loved it so much I had to post it.)

I will make you wings

We could fly away

Leave all this mess to yesterday

We could forget our pasts

The things we’ve done

Leave our worries behind us, in the setting sun

I miss the way, things used to be

When you’d hold me in your arms, so gently

I sold my soul, so long ago

The horrors I’ve done, you’ll never know.

Forget the girl you thought you knew

For she never existed, except for you

She tried so hard to change her ways

But in the end, those were numbered days

For me, there is no redemption, or so they say

No conscience, no morals, I’d do anything to make you stay.

So leave me in pieces, they’ll be in pieces soon too.

I’m not sorry for anything; I’ll keep doing what I do.

There is no hope for the hopeless; I’ll reap what I sow

And in the end I can’t deny, I knew that you’d go

So leave if you must, there’s just one more thing I must do,

And that is to say…

The only thing I regret, is the day I lost you.

1/24/11

Why Are We Fat?

            In his essay, “Don’t Eat the Flan”, Critser writes about the obesity epidemic by relating it to the 6^th deadly sin, Gluttony. He points out, quite rationally, that among the thousands of headlines you are bombarded with every year, not one will be on the morality of the issue. Critser states, “Sixth Deadly Sin at root of obesity epidemic, researchers say.” (Para.2) Points to the fact that humans have de-sensitized over-eating and by calling it therapeutic, have effectively made it “ok” to be fat.  One example of this blind denial is an excerpt from his essay where he writes, “…Even parental admonition –be used to fight the curse of overeating has been greeted like Ted Bundy at a Girl Scout convention.” (Para.8). This is obviously a hint to a major flaw in the human conscious, that lends us to sanely rationalize eating ourselves to death all in the name of pleasure and therapy.

                                               Works Cited

Critser, Greg. “Don’t Eat the Flan.” Models for Writers. Ed. Alfred Rosa and Paul Eshholz. 10^th ed. Boston:Bedford, 2010. 557-59. Print.

You are my sky and my sun

Your face haunts my dreams

Like a long forgotten memory

And between the hatred and the pain

You make me feel like I can live again

“I mean what I say, I just don’t always say what I mean.”

-R.C. Briggs

I find the best thing to do when you cant sleep is to write. Write anything .and if the words don’t sound quite right, delete them, and write again, Again, and again, and again, and again. Until you can sleep, or till you’ve been writing so long you get carpal tunnel. I used to write, I wrote so much I could have had my own library. It was amazing, those were the good days. The days before the sickness, the days before you. Since you, I’ve started writing on the computer instead of paper so that tears stains don’t make my works illegible. It’s not quite the same….it’s really not the same at all. But it is something. And something is much better than nothing.

I need to get away for awhile, I don’t think you’d understand, and I’d tell you not to try too, just let me be, and eventually, I will find my way home. I wonder if that’s it. You were afraid to lose me. Lose yourself and the one thing you knew was always there. When you need me, just call, I’ll be there, I will always be there, even if you can’t see me, I’ll always be watching over you. I love you, don’t you know that silly. I love you. Just remember that ok? Times are going to get rough; they’re going to try to break us apart. But we’re stronger than that aren’t we? We got this down to a science. We may not be indestructible, but we are resilient, and the tree that bends is usually the one that doesn’t break.

I will kill you, I promise to make it fast, it won’t even hurt, I’ll just slit your throat and be done with it, I may even cry over you when you’re dead, you say I cannot love you and kill you. But I do, I can, I will, don’t you know death is just the beginning? You’ll find your way back someday, this isn’t goodbye forever, our souls never die, and we will find each other again, just close your eyes baby, its better if you don’t watch; now say goodnight babyboy, I will see you on the other side.

Lalala de dum de da

Dum de da de da de dummm.

Almost crazy, but not quite sane.

That’s me in a nutshell.

=)